Return to work??? I feel sick.

Starting at 9 wks I already had the pit in my stomach about returning to work. Intermittent teary episodes and overwhelming feeling of helplessness about the dreaded day to come when I can't be there for Vera as I had been her entire life so far. From 9 wks on I didn't want to be without Vera for anything...I practically took her to the bathroom with me. Forget date night! I couldn't bare the thought of being away from her until I was forced to. ...basically I turned into "crazy mom" mode. Sure I wanted some adult interaction, but my preference was to have my little snickelfritz along. It was the forced letting go that got me the most. I wasn't and still aren't ready to let go...hence the crazy mom mode. :) I had planned to spend some time away from her but as it got closer to the dreaded day, I just couldn't part with her. Some moms suggested a "practice run" of dropping her off. Are you stupid? Why would I want to torture myself twice? Oh, no thanks.

I wanted Aleta (daycare mom) to know everything about all of V's quirks so Vera didn't have to cry until it was figured out. I even went so far as to put together a sheet of paper of what V likes and more importantly, doesn't like.

I didn't want to miss anything. Makes me sick to think that Aleta will get to spend more time with Vera than me. Horse shit. That is totally not fair. It's a good thing Jamie and I really like her and trust that she will treat V like one of her own kids/grandkids. That's one of the only things that made the transition back a little easier to swallow.

Besides being sick about dropping off Vera with a stranger, I was starting to get anxiety about my workload when I returned. Being short a PA-C, I half volunteered and was half forced to take on a surgeon's clinic (who notoriously gets out late) every other day besides my own clinic. It wasn't the being busy part (which is a good thing to keep my mind off missing V), but the fact that I would be getting out late. And before I actually returned to work, I geared up to be assertive and essentially demand that I get out at a reasonable time. Fortunately, I knew I had the support from my bosses (at least verbally).