cat-calling

I'm just wondering about the purpose of cat-calling, hootin and hollerin at people minding their own business.  What do you think is going to happen?  Unless everyone's wasted at a bar or on spring break, chances are EXTREMELY low that you'll see anything like boobies.  Do you think you're brightening my day by being that creepy old man with no teeth giving me a shout-out?  Again, unless you're a ridiculously gorgeous group of hotties, please, spare me energy it takes to put your hands in your mouth and whistle after yelling "woo hoo..."  I'm not even running, there's nothing to woo hoo about...so put that half-burned cigarette back in your mouth and fuck off.  :)  

the gift

A gift of talking without breathing and therefore never needing to stop speaking is one of the best traits I could have asked to be passed on to me, you know besides looks, brains, and the ability to love people, eating, shopping, and sleeping, as well as being one of the most stellar athletes I know (ha!), along with my insanely amazing fashion sense and patience for those who desire to speak when I'm talking about something important which is actually everything I'm saying.  :)  It comes in useful daily.   

This highly desired gift (...that's what I've heard anyways) has been passed on through the generations starting with my Grandma Otterness (though I'm sure it goes back further than that...she's just the oldest one I know who possesses the gift).  The gift actually gives you the ability to have a "conversation" with someone without actually ever hearing the other person speak...it's amazing really.  :)  Auntie Diane and my cousin Jody also possess this gift though Diane is not blood relation...apparently this talent can skip around or maybe her family has generations of the gift that has been passed down.  Needless to say we are not for the shy of heart.  In other words, we will EAT YOU ALIVE.  Speak up sonny...but DON'T INTERRUPT ME.  :)  It's always my favorite when family members bring someone new to a holiday gathering where the wolverines wait with drool exponentially pouring down their chins for the victims.  If there's time (and we actually LIKE the person) we will warn them of the behaviors they will encounter at the gathering.  They pretend like they understand and we just chuckle cause they really have NO idea what they're about to witness.  It goes a little something like this: entering household where wolverine gathering is taking place...we don't normally crowd the door, it's just to easy for the new prey to escape.  There's usually some sort of 'HEY!' sounding very similar to that of 'Norm!' from Cheers...signaling the arrival of someone.  Ears perk up but "conversations" continue onward in full force as they were.  The new prey is usually greeted by Grandma (who saves her powers for smaller get-togethers so she can fully dominate) or auntie Deb who sadly does not possess the gift...which is ok- the new prey gets an idea of normalcy and smiles, as they clearly release the breath they've been holding all the while.  Deb asks normal first questions and the prey shyly answers in short, straight to the point replies...dumb...Deb has immediately identified their weakness...  She smiles and turns away laughing to herself.  Eventually someone with the gift coughs or sneezes or worse- becomes distracted! and their prey (which are also those in the family who do not have the gift) immediately has noticed an escape.  Those skilled in dealing with the gift have the perfect exit strategies planned...it's a must.  But you know what that means...a gifted person is freely walking about, drooling, waiting for dessert...who will it be, who who who...hmmmm...well what's this?  a new person?  SCORE!!!!  Diane, Jody, or myself creep up to the once smiling, now nervous-looking prey...and it begins.  Whoareyou?Whereareyoufrom?Doyouwork?Ohyoudon't(an answer merely guessed based on the age of the prey- no responses are actually allowed).Welldoyougotothen?Whatdoyougotoschoolfor?Howlongwillthattake?Soyoufromabigfamily?(again, we don't care so we assume something and continue onward before an actual response has left there mouth)Wheredotheyalllive?(teeny tiny pause- called the mercy pause, for those ballsy enough to actually talk...usually no takers here)(no response)Soooooodidyouwatchtv?Youlikesports?Didyouseethegamelastnight?Itwassoamazing....etcetcetc...let'stalkaboutmemememenowcauseyou'reboringandtooquiet.  :)  

Do YOU possess this gift?  

first things first.

Before I even start delving in to my millions of random thoughts, I must put out a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: 

1. This blog is not meant to be particularly offensive to anyone, though I'm sure it will be at some point in time to many readers.  You may find the word “bitch” sitting at the forefront of your mind when reading…please feel free to mutter it aloud if it makes you feel better…hell, you can even type it in the comments section…but then move on.  :)

2. I am NOT an English teacher nor do I even enjoy the subject, therefore you will see lots of run-on sentences, thoughts connected by dots, and dashes...mostly this is cause I'm too lazy to care.  You will also note inappropriate word uses...just go with it and pretend like it makes sense.

3. I love smiley faces so you will see them frequently. :)

4. Note, I'm not really what you call an optimist...and not so much a sunny-side-of-life kind of person most of the time.  Oh well... It's not that I'm not grateful of everything I've been given and have cause I definitely am, I just usually find I can talk a lot longer about the crappy parts of my day.  

PURPOSE:

I have always had a desire to write, but don’t think my skills are up to National Bestseller memoir qualities so blogging seems a little more appropriate.  It seems I always have a lot to say (according to those who know me) :) so blogging at least gives people an option out, something they DEFINITELY don’t get when in my presence.  :)  And for some crazy reason the conversation always comes to “…and back to me,” hence the title of my blog. :)  I can’t help it no one leads a more exciting life than myself so why would we talk about you, when I have more interesting things to say?  Ha…note the sarcasm (this you should and will note frequently).  :)  At least I can laugh at myself about it.  :)

I actually think this blogging thing will be difficult not only for me, but for my readers…  See, those of you who know me know I commonly go off on tangents thus I will attempt to refrain from my flight of ideas.  A point will be made to not only make a point (sometimes completely miss that…oops!), but to complete a thought.  Wish me luck.  :)  This also plays in to my ability to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk…thus making a blogging experience more like a novel-like experience…will try to avoid which may require a higher being intervening (ie a convenient computer crash or acute carpal tunnel flare-up).

PS- I love comments, so please tell me how your day is (which I can imagine is boring if you’re sitting here reading this…see? I AM more exciting.). :)