cat-calling

I'm just wondering about the purpose of cat-calling, hootin and hollerin at people minding their own business.  What do you think is going to happen?  Unless everyone's wasted at a bar or on spring break, chances are EXTREMELY low that you'll see anything like boobies.  Do you think you're brightening my day by being that creepy old man with no teeth giving me a shout-out?  Again, unless you're a ridiculously gorgeous group of hotties, please, spare me energy it takes to put your hands in your mouth and whistle after yelling "woo hoo..."  I'm not even running, there's nothing to woo hoo about...so put that half-burned cigarette back in your mouth and fuck off.  :)  

the gift

A gift of talking without breathing and therefore never needing to stop speaking is one of the best traits I could have asked to be passed on to me, you know besides looks, brains, and the ability to love people, eating, shopping, and sleeping, as well as being one of the most stellar athletes I know (ha!), along with my insanely amazing fashion sense and patience for those who desire to speak when I'm talking about something important which is actually everything I'm saying.  :)  It comes in useful daily.   

This highly desired gift (...that's what I've heard anyways) has been passed on through the generations starting with my Grandma Otterness (though I'm sure it goes back further than that...she's just the oldest one I know who possesses the gift).  The gift actually gives you the ability to have a "conversation" with someone without actually ever hearing the other person speak...it's amazing really.  :)  Auntie Diane and my cousin Jody also possess this gift though Diane is not blood relation...apparently this talent can skip around or maybe her family has generations of the gift that has been passed down.  Needless to say we are not for the shy of heart.  In other words, we will EAT YOU ALIVE.  Speak up sonny...but DON'T INTERRUPT ME.  :)  It's always my favorite when family members bring someone new to a holiday gathering where the wolverines wait with drool exponentially pouring down their chins for the victims.  If there's time (and we actually LIKE the person) we will warn them of the behaviors they will encounter at the gathering.  They pretend like they understand and we just chuckle cause they really have NO idea what they're about to witness.  It goes a little something like this: entering household where wolverine gathering is taking place...we don't normally crowd the door, it's just to easy for the new prey to escape.  There's usually some sort of 'HEY!' sounding very similar to that of 'Norm!' from Cheers...signaling the arrival of someone.  Ears perk up but "conversations" continue onward in full force as they were.  The new prey is usually greeted by Grandma (who saves her powers for smaller get-togethers so she can fully dominate) or auntie Deb who sadly does not possess the gift...which is ok- the new prey gets an idea of normalcy and smiles, as they clearly release the breath they've been holding all the while.  Deb asks normal first questions and the prey shyly answers in short, straight to the point replies...dumb...Deb has immediately identified their weakness...  She smiles and turns away laughing to herself.  Eventually someone with the gift coughs or sneezes or worse- becomes distracted! and their prey (which are also those in the family who do not have the gift) immediately has noticed an escape.  Those skilled in dealing with the gift have the perfect exit strategies planned...it's a must.  But you know what that means...a gifted person is freely walking about, drooling, waiting for dessert...who will it be, who who who...hmmmm...well what's this?  a new person?  SCORE!!!!  Diane, Jody, or myself creep up to the once smiling, now nervous-looking prey...and it begins.  Whoareyou?Whereareyoufrom?Doyouwork?Ohyoudon't(an answer merely guessed based on the age of the prey- no responses are actually allowed).Welldoyougotothen?Whatdoyougotoschoolfor?Howlongwillthattake?Soyoufromabigfamily?(again, we don't care so we assume something and continue onward before an actual response has left there mouth)Wheredotheyalllive?(teeny tiny pause- called the mercy pause, for those ballsy enough to actually talk...usually no takers here)(no response)Soooooodidyouwatchtv?Youlikesports?Didyouseethegamelastnight?Itwassoamazing....etcetcetc...let'stalkaboutmemememenowcauseyou'reboringandtooquiet.  :)  

Do YOU possess this gift?